I only have one thing to say

/sigh. Tim Minchin. Always puts me in a good mood. Now go listen. Don't stay here. Go listen. It's not perfect...  ¶ 7:06 PM 0 comments

  And breathe...

I woke up in a foul and vile mood this morning. I was not in a happy place with anyone in particular and anything in particular. But I have spent the morning talking sternly to myself, and have reached somewhat of an epiphany (and why do I always want to say nirvana, when I mean epiphany?). I think some of my issues have been (a) thinking that other people have all the answers and they are just not telling me, coupled with (b) a desire to know how everything will turn out. I am espousing a wait and see policy. I think that to be for the best, and may well lead to a calmer existance.

Have just finished reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Hmmmm. It leads me to wonder why. It was funny in places, but in others there was a clunky displacement of language, and I wondered to what avail. It left me with a sense that someone had decided after a drunken night out (or possibly during) that it would be a clever thing to do. It undoubtedly is clever, and some of the parodic imitation is very good indeed. But I still wonder what the point of it was, or whether it's a book by someone too unoriginal to write their own.

Dunno what to go on to next. But I am being drawn back to Pride and Prejudice. Given my extensive problems with sleeping over the last six months or so, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in need of sleep could do worse than curl up in bed for the weekend with a selection of Jane Austen books.  ¶ 11:55 AM 0 comments

  Upgrades and other matters

So I raided yesterday. Logged on in time for a Naxx25, which I think is the first raid I have been on since the end of April. I went on 3, maybe 4 (but I think only 3) Ulduar runs, and then knocked the whole thing on the head for a while. So it was a bit of an achievement to actually go again. One of the things which had switched me off raiding was the expectation that I would set the healing all the time, and have people looking to me always to organise things. Before Gruul and Hyjal I'd never done that, and I don't really enjoy it, to be honest. Someone always has a better idea of doing things, and half-way through you feel the urge to should "Just because I say so! Do it!" because actually one of the reasons you sometimes give people non-traditional healing assignments for their class is because you don't trust them to do what their class does best, because they just don't play that way. One thing our guild has always been good at is not forcing people to play in a certain style. Which is fine, and good for a casual raiding guild, but within that, I've never thought it was fair to then not recognise that if you aren't requiring people to spec a certain way and play a certain way that you, as guildies, need to play to their strengths, rather than accentuate their weaknesses. If that makes sense. I think it does.

Anyway, I went last night, and was really pleased that after such a long gap (for me; remember I don't play computer games), that I pretty much rocked. If that sounds big-headed, I don't care. Healing is what I enjoy, and I do it pretty well. I don't think it did me any harm at all to be second on the meters, and 5th on the overheal (and I know, I know, I know, healing meters are not all. They do not say everything about a player, but I am expressly talking about how they were for my first raid back. So they have that value to me). And I got upgrades. I have been after a better hat than my Nexus blue one for ages, and I got the tier 7.25 piece (which means that I now have 5 tier pieces /flex). J won the roll for it, but very kindly passed to me, since he had the 7.10, and I didn't even have an epic there. I still need a replacement for my crappy green trinket though, but druid trinkets are not very common. And I got a better belt, which is also nice.

I am also doing the tournament dailies because when the patch comes it will open up new ways of instancing, and will have the same instances available for 5, 10 and 25 man. I like that as an idea. But I think they are only available once you've finished all that malarky. And, of course, there are pets to be had there. I have the Darnassus and Exodar ones already...

So, other things. I was wondering whether it is possible ever not to slightly edit oneself in communicating (in writing or otherwise) with people. I sadly don't think it is. It is always the case, I guess, that we want to appear in our best light, or that there are things which are so personal that we can only think them to ourselves. Sometimes I think that the way of editing ourselves though (and I am sure that this is not particular to me at all) means that, by definition, there are only a few people who can really, truly know us. There are only a very few people who I have a light editing-touch with, but even with them there are areas where I will not go, and hope that they don't stumble across them, or slight diversions which I make so that they don't stumble there. On one level that makes me sad, but on one level I quite enjoy the fact that I control what information people have about me. But I do assume that this is the same for everyone. I very much hope that it is.  ¶ 3:32 PM 0 comments

  So

After saying that I had things to say, I then promptly did not say them. Which is a bit rubbish all told, really.

I have a mentoring meeting this morning to which I am not remotely looking forward. I mentor three people. One of them I see a fair amount, one not at all, and the one I am seeing this morning. I have difficulties with the latter, because there seems to be an expectation that I will do all the work. Now don't get me wrong, I take mentoring pretty seriously. I didn't have the benefit of having a mentor at all, and had to work things out myself, but I don't think I ever wanted the sort of mentor who would not only tell me the answers, but would present them to me in a pretty wrapped parcel. That's not a mentor, that's a mother. Or Father Christmas, depending on the time of year. The person to whom I am referring probably is at least 5 years older than me, but there is an immense contrast with the first mentee (snigger) to whom I referred who is a fair bit younger. The latter never requires spoon feeding at all, and is pretty much a joy to mentor. I've thought a fair amount in the odd moment (and I have some very odd moments) about whether that's just because we get along better. But I don't think there is, I just don't think there's the expectation that I will step in and run his life and career in the same way, or take all the decisions which are correctly his (and if I ever tried to do anything like that I daresay there's be an all-out revolution, and I'd not least be placed firmly back in my box. But I wouldn't try, because it wouldn't be expected). Oh, too many parentheses as ever.

So I am not looking forward to this meeting really. But I have lunch with a former colleague afterwards, which may prove to be some consolation. Although a team meeting in the afternoon, where I shall try and restrain myself from doodling for at least 15 minutes. But I may not succeed.

So... other news.... I am back playing WoW a little bit, and my shoulder is hurting me considerably less. I am still trying to work out why I enjoy playing and whether ultimately it is the thing for me. But I am expecting there to be a 100 pet achievement, and I am on 85, so I can't give up until I get all the pets! I've made clear my position on raiding. I don't think I want to get back into raiding in the way I did before. Although we were not at all a hard core guild, I was raiding probably 5 nights a week, which is just too much for me. I think it might work 2 nights a week, and possibly more, but when I want. I'm not really attracted by the shiny new gear any more (play a resto druid and you're pretty inured to the fact that there's not so much for you, and it will never drop anyway!), I think because I know that I play my class reasonably well.

And PvP has never held much attraction. I think I still have a problem with being killed. Even though it is game, the fact that it's real people targetting my pixels gives me a problem in some way. I know that is strange, odd and rather pathetic in many ways, but I somehow can't get over it. And also, I don't really understand PvP which leaves me deeply frustrated. Probably the answer to both is to PvP more and QQ less, but I'm just not sure I want to!

Well, enough for now. I have stuff to do before the mentor-meeting. Gah!  ¶ 10:24 AM 0 comments

  Of course

The question is, absent angst, will I have anything to post about. It might seem not, since I have not done so since last Wednesday, but, to be fair to me (and I always think one should be), I have had a stinky cold, and have been generally a wee bit busy.

We saw Waiting for Godot on Friday at the Haymarket. What a wonderful production. I saw it years ago, and thought it a bit wanky, and didn't really understand it. I think that production might have had Ade Edmonson and Rik Mayall in it, so it ought to have been OK, but was not nearly as good as Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen. But why do theatre seats have to be quite so uncomfortable? We were extremely close to each other (which was OK for me as I was in the middle), but there was very little wriggle room at all, which is a big problem if you are a fidget, like me. Tonight is Harry Potter. The Barbican has much nicer seating, although lamentably not as good as it would be if I were not as short as I am (if that makes sense).

I have been carrying on reading. I was compelled to buy the last two books in the Twilight series on Friday (not compelled by anyone, no blame attaches to this purchase at all). And I have read the third, but not yet the fourth. It would be dangerous, I feel to bring it to work, as I would never do any work at all. I am reading the maths book again, to distract me from Twilight.

Oh, there will be more of this later, but there are three emails, and I have to do some work today...  ¶ 11:39 AM 0 comments

  Wasp porn

Not a title I'll guess you see on many blogs.

I've been struck recently, and discussed with people recently, the fact that anything you can think of has a video somewhere on the internet. Now, I cannot for the life of me remember how the topic of wasp porn arose (I really can't; I'd suppose it to have been part of an erudite conversation, save that I would imagine I would remember such erudition), but I recall saying that I would google for it, to see if there were videos. And, of course, there were. Why? Why on earth? They weren't terrible interesting though; just wasps shagging really. Which is not awfully gripping unless you are fascinated by the intimate interaction of wasps, I spose. I don't think I am, really.  ¶ 7:39 PM 0 comments

  Not Perfect

So this post, close upon the last one, is inspired by http://profile.myspace.com/tim_minchin (hmm, I'm sure I used to be able to do a better version of a link; memo to self, remember how I did that...).

I'm sitting listening to Tim Michin at the moment, and it occurs to me that all these (self-indulgent, I know, so thanks for not telling me!) posts are because I have spent the months I've been gazing at my navel aiming for perfection. But perfection isn't really possible, and it's pretty counter-productive to aim for it. I had a long discussion with someone some time ago about whether one should aim for 100% in everything, or whether one should only aim for 95%, on the basis that 100% is unachievable. At the time, I espoused the 100% route, on the basis that if you slip a bit, and you're bound to, you might yet get more than 95%. Whilst I still think there's some merit in that, I do wonder if we strive too much for a set figure. When did I stop just wanting to do the best I could. I'm not awfully sure what percentage that would get me up to, but I wonder if it matters. It's bound not to be perfect, but as long as it is good enough, and was good enough for the purpose, and is the best I could manage, does it matter? Am I just beating myself up trying for the 100% all the time, when I should be content with what I can do, when I can do it.

I'm not sure where all this angst came from (well, I could probably trace some of it, if I were being strictly honest, but that's besides the point, and it wouldn't account for all of it), but I am slowly (rather more slowly than is strictly comfortable) coming to the conclusion that it is strictly counter-productive as well as probably extraordinarily tedious to read.

So on Inflatable You, I'm going to sign out of angst. I daresay I might perhaps slip every now and again, but I am going to have a new year's resolution that for every angsty post there should be at least one up-beat one. I think that might be achievable.  ¶ 6:53 PM 0 comments

  OK

I have pulled myself together, and am no longer sad. To be honest, I had no idea really what I was being sad about. I suspect myself of complete self-indulgence, which is bad and wrong in many different ways.

I have come to a resolution, and it is largely that I should stop trying to work out everything, and just sit back and relax a little bit more. Preferably with a book, sometimes with company, and sometimes in front of the computer. I think that will bring great satisfaction.

I am itching to do another course though. I am wondering how long I can restrain myself before I have to sign up for something to be exercising the intellectual juices. I give it til September...  ¶ 5:14 PM 0 comments

  I have sadness

I don't know what is wrong at the moment, but I just can't raise a smile. So I think it best if I take my melancholy maunderings elsewhere for a while. Hopefully normal service will be resumed. I just can't say when.  ¶ 8:57 AM 0 comments

  Things

have been a little strange around here. Spent the morning in Court, for reasons I don't think I will go into here. Was a little bit strange, and am back there on Wednesday. I am only giving evidence though, which is something.

Had a weekend of not entirely feeling myself (sort of achey, and coughy and sniffy; short of swine flu though), so I came home early on Friday, and read the first two Twilight books back to back. Will now need to get the remaining two, as I need to find out what happens. I know that this makes me a weeny bit sad, but it is pretty compulsive reading.

I broke off the maths book (was not feeling well enough), and the Steven Erickson (it was too long, and I wanted to read Twilight too much (and I know, I know, that makes me more than a weeny bit sad)), but am now back on the Erickson. Now read 160 pages, and it's good going. I am quite liking recommendations.

There is not much else new in my world at the moment. I don't think that there is even that much to comment on other than in my world. I was hoping to get tickets to see Phedre at the National, but, typically for me, it's sold out. But on Friday, we have Waiting for Godot (with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen), and then Harry Potter on Monday. Looking forward to both of those. Then I need to look around at what is on at the theatre and decide what I want to go and see. I have remembered, very belatedly, that I work around the corner from the half-price ticket booth. Why I didn't think that would be a good idea to capitalise on, I have no idea. General divviness, I suppose. But I am determined to make up for lost time, and to go to the theatre often from now on! I keep missing things I otherwise want to see, and I am not happy about that. But I am rubbish at organising myself in advance to actually book tickets for things, so I think the only practical solution is the half-price booth.  ¶ 4:55 PM 0 comments

  Books and stuff

So, I decided to park the maths book until I could do more than read whilst commuting and come back to it at the weekend. Have now started Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erickson, which promises well, although I have only read 30 pages. I find it curious that the author has an introductory note saying that people might find it quite dense, and he's not explaining the background to the world he's introducing. Strange, but perhaps a good idea. But it is the first of 8 books, so there will be many more if I like it.

And I have also been lent Twilight. I am not sure how I feel about that; a trifle dirty, I think. But I suspect I will quite enjoy it. I've been lent the first and the second one. I may book-mark the maths book with them. Is it wrong to look forward to reading what I suspect to be bad fiction quite a lot?  ¶ 3:14 PM 0 comments

  I don't seem

to have anything to say at the moment. This saddens me very deeply, because I usually have much to say on a number of topics. At the moment though, I seem bereft. I am not sure whether this renders me the most boring person in the world (but surely someone with nothing to say must be a candidate), or whether this is a temporary situation. I am, of course, aware of the delicious irony of posting on a blog about having nothing to say. Perhaps it's just to reassure myself that I do actually have something to say, even if it is solely to comment on the lack, rather than anything substantial.

Gosh, I do hope this does not last.  ¶ 3:49 PM 0 comments

  I'm fond of saying...

... "Is there anything more irritating than...?", but I think it must come high on the list to make one's first cup of tea of the day and find that the pint of milk which one bought for oneself only yesterday is on the turn, and there are floaty bits in the tea. It is just about drinkable though, which is at least something.

There will be elliptical mutterings here over the next few days, or possibly even weeks. I am thinking and rationalising. I don't feel the need to be absolutely open (if I did then I'd be talking to real people, but that would no doubt be extraordinarily tedious; it is boring me at times). So ellipticism works for me. It may of course be that no-one is actually reading this, in which case I might be more open than I am at the moment. Although probably not, because what I write here is really no more than a pointer to myself to remember things, and think some more.

I am reading a book about mathematical probability at the moment; it's absolutely fascinating. I'd bung it in the side bar over there ----->, but I can't be bothered at the moment. I will try and do so when I have a minute though. I can't decide whether to do fiction or codes next. If anyone is reading this blog, you could give your view in the handy comments box, since I went to all the effort to find it again, way back when (you'd have to see the archives for that one...).  ¶ 8:34 AM 0 comments

  I have pleasedness...

So, I had a thing to do today, which I planned last week (and no, I'm not saying what it was, because I have no idea who you are), and I am pleased that my best laid plans have worked, and I have done, or rather not done, the thing which I planned.

I am sorry (or rather I'm not actually) that all that sounds mysterious, but sometimes it feels necessary to publicly celebrate triumph without revealing what the triumph is. Suffice it to say I thought that the achievement of the thing would be far harder than it has, so far (it is not the end of the day yet) proved.

So huzzah!

I have work to do, which is slightly distracting, but I suppose necessary. But I am doing well with it. It will all happen. I am starting to settle in here a bit more than I was, which is good. I'm not sure it was the best move in the world to come here, but I think it was pretty necessary all told on a number of fronts. I am not disappointed with how things are turning out (although I could wish that I could be there and here at the same time).

I have nothing much else to say at the moment, so will go and have a squiz at lamebook.com...  ¶ 12:52 PM 0 comments

  OK, I am back...

...and without the hissy fit mentality. I had a bad day last week, and I don't think I really recovered from it (aside from Wednesday afternoon, which was glorious in many ways). But I have tiptoed round and collected all my toys and have placed them gently in my pram. I managed to damage none of them in the violent flinging out of the pram which occured, but I should try not to do that again, lest I do so.

So the UK has been dominated by the weather and Wimbledon this week. I hate hot weather, personally, particularly if I have to work. It's always a struggle to know what to wear which will look half-way decent (and let's face it, I have enough struggles in that area anyway), and still keep me relatively cool. It has been altogether too hot this week. Hopefully that was summer!

And Wimbledon. I don't get it, I really don't. Now, I know that I am biased against Wimbledon because it is always taking place on my birthday, and therefore it detracts attention from me (yes, I am that shallow), but it's just a non-sport really, isn't it? And the Brits (or Scots if you prefer this year) always underperform. This is a given in life. Did anyone actually expect Andy Murray to reach the final? I didn't. It would have been going against his essential Britishness (or Scottishness, if you prefer).

I did actually have something more to say here, but, in ranting the above, I have completely forgotten what it was. Perhaps it is the peril of age setting in to continually forget. Hmmmm.... oh, I dunno. If it comes back to me, I'll come back to this...  ¶ 3:55 PM 0 comments

  Arse, bollocks, and buggeration

I feel better now. But stand by in case there is more ranty rudeness. I am cross, and out of sorts and miffed, and want to shout, scream and throw all my toys out of the pram.

I shall not be so by tomorrow, and may not be so this afternoon. Who can say? But for now, I shall abide by the maxim that if I have nothing good to say then I shall say nothing at all.  ¶ 11:43 AM 0 comments